Post by unstableequilibrium on Aug 23, 2016 2:39:01 GMT
Kevin casually butts in, Terry hugging him like an awkward cape.
SAM: Uh
SAM: ...h1?
Samuel tilts his head in confusion.
KEVIN: Yo.
SAM: That's uh 01:12:41
NA: Behold.
SAM: Qu1te the cape
Terry sticks his tongue out for a moment and Kevin shrugs.
KEVIN: It happens.
Cluont simply rolls his eyes.
CA: So. The point. Let's get to it, shall we?
SAM: ...sure
SAM: S0 yea uh
SAM: 1 have n0 1dea what happened t0 be h0nest
SAM: 1 have vague mem0r1es but n0th1ng clear 0f what was g01ng 0n at the t1me wh1ch
SAM: 1sn't part1cularly g00d
NA: The taste of the void. I know of a jealous child, wrapped in the battles of other chessboards!
SAM: Y0u what?
SAM: 1 was never very g00d at th1s wh0le r1ddle stuff
SAM: 1 sucked as W1tch
NA: Beautiful loops made of nothingness. Don't you remember the form you once had before you were lateborn-forged?
Terry cackles. Rain has left marks on his mind.
CA: Um. What's the last thing you remember before it starts cutting out like when you were around 3 of those human years or so?
Sam seems to twitch in confusion, before spewing out something that doesn't especially sound like speech.
SAM: ♂ ╡╡#' y••
SAM: ...1 uh
He shakes his head in confusion
SAM: What d0 y0u mean?
NA: Share share share. There are the kingqueenroyalty serverserverservers of the unfathomable both an inch and countless miles beyond!
NA: It's easy to hear voided songs when you can remember things you never learned, tasting the rainbow slept fast in the baying houndspeak of squiddle-de-dee!
SAM: ...alr1ghty then
SAM: S0 uh, yea CA, y0u mean what d0 1 remember bef0re shenan1gans began and Kev1n came 0ver?
CA: I'm not sure what it could possibly refer to otherwise.
SAM: Just mak1ng sure
SAM: Well uh
SAM: 1t was k1nd 0f a gradual 0bsess10n w1th
SAM: Well n0t even an 0bsess10n, k1nd 0f a need t0 d0 s0meth1ng
SAM: T0 test and keep g01ng a b1t deeper w1th test1ng th1ngs
SAM: And then 1t k1nd 0f just went hazy and then 1 was suddenly h0ld1ng a we1rd-ass sw0rd and uh
SAM: Shenan1gans
CA: ...
CA: I think rainbrain icicle over there has a point. Do you want to try expressing the inexpressible, as Sound is prone to doing?
SAM: Uhh
SAM: 1've had a l1ttle d1ff1culty w1th that s1nce shenan1gan central, s0 parts 0f 1t may be f0r lack 0f a better w0rd m1ss1ng 0r 0ff, but 1 can g1ve 1t a sh0t
Kevin cackles.
Samuel twitches again for a few moments, trying to find the right tune, before a vague static noise plays. The scene of hazy rememberance, slowly being dragged into a simple /command/ to do something of the previous sequence of events played. His thoughts stay mostly blank the way through, only shifting through risk assessments.
It sounds like www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtQ_iyweF38 .
NA: Come, destruction given by the loud...Oh, this. Hmmm!
KEVIN: ...This reminds me of something, but I don't remember what.
KEVIN: It was so happy, tasting like dreams....
SAM: Yea uh
KEVIN: If you just delve, it's so...
SAM: Just d0n't read t00 much 1nt0 the s0ngs, they uh
SAM: M0re recently th1nk1ng t00 hard ab0ut them tends t0 be c0gn1t0hazard0us
Kevin has left [Whisper To Me] on.
SAM: Wh1ch 1s s0mewhat awkward
KEVIN: I THINK IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT
SAM: Uhhh
Kevin goes full flux-eyes.
SAM: 000h dear
KEVIN: I CAN SEE INTO FOREVER
SAM: That'd be the v01d
SAM: 1t's a b1t b1g yea
SAM: 1 UH
KEVIN: OH REALLY NICE
SAM: Yea just uhm
SAM: St0p l00k1ng 1nt0 1t p0ss1bly?
KEVIN: HEY IT'S JUST LIKE THAT ONE PLACE FRED WAS TALKING ABOUT
SAM: Kev1n plz
Terry flicks Kevin on the nose.
NA: Peep!
KEVIN: okay
Kevin stops doing the flux-eyes thing.
KEVIN: Okay let's not look at that too hard
KEVIN: nope
KEVIN: ...Honestly, that's so...happy. Are you corruption-clear and keeping candy away from the alchemiter?
SAM: There's a reas0n that pe0ple d0n't l1ke talk1ng t0 me much
SAM: And 1 th1nk s0
SAM: The m0re sess10ns y0u get the m0re uh
SAM: Messed up y0u get, y'kn0w?
SAM: Carry al0ng a b1t m0re baggage
KEVIN: ...I don't think giving Old Isn't your baggage is exactly a good idea.
SAM: Well yea
SAM: Pr0bably n0t
SAM: But 1t's k1nd 0f hard t0 f0rget see1ng n0th1ng
SAM: There are s0 many n0t-c0l0urs
KEVIN: It's so beautifully not though, like...those!
KEVIN: I remember how the gods sometimes blow bubbles that smell a bit like those when voids dance by and they're like 'aww, how cute I want one', it's...
Kevin goes off on a long rant entirely in broodfester until NA hugs him into shutting up.
NA: Shush.
NA: Chilling. Do it.
SAM: Ch1ll 1s the best way t0 be
SAM: Except 1f y0u're Fl0w but then y0u're Fl0w-ch1ll wh1ch 1s a wh0le 'n0ther st0ry
PG: Flow-chill is the best.
SAM: S0 uh
SAM: Yea that's what 1 g0t 0f the haze CA
SAM: S0rry ab0ut the s0ng aga1n PG, try1ng t0 mash up n0th1ng w1th s0meth1ng makes we1rd s0unds
SAM: S0 yea was w0nder1ng 1f y0u c0uld p0ss1bly uh
SAM: Take a glance 0r s0meth1ng
SAM: 1 d0n't kn0w h0w M1nd w0rks 1n part1cular
CA: Allow me to penetrate the veil. I'm not actually a mind-reader, but I'll do the best I can with choicealytics.
CA: Honestly I'm kinda happy you messed with that thing, the Null trimmed off a TON of undesirable cascades for me.
SAM: Ah, uh
SAM: 1 d0n't get exactly what that means but 0k
The nebulous swarm of ghosts around Cluont begins hovering around Sam instead.
CA: Don't resist.
SAM: Uuh
SAM: 0k
SAM: Th1s uh
SAM: Sure
With the collective psionic effort of ghosts and the powers of Mind, CA pretty much attempts to brute-force connect, dragging the two of them into a haphazard mindspace bordered by mindstuff rather than rainstuff.
CA: Don't step out of the space or try to break the hallucination, I need you to focus.
SAM: Th1s feels st ange
CA: Now. Try and-
Cluont glares at something that doesn't exist.
CA: Stop that, you.
CA: Sorry, what was that?
SAM: Huh?
SAM: 0h uh
SAM: Just feels 0dd
SAM: S0 uh
SAM: F0cus 0n what?
CA: Focus on the moment where it stops being realspace and starts being voidspace. The first moment you saw whatever Kevin was ranting about finally making sense.
SAM: 1 uh
SAM: 1'll g1ve 1t a sh0t
Samuel shuts his eyes, taking a few breaths to steady his breathing pattern. The space slowly begins to shimmer, occasionally small blinks of colour or something that's hard to look at appearing as he tries to get the midpoint.
CA: Oh god this is weird.
The colours continue shifting, but it appears that the areas of being and not-being don't like overlapping. Samuel lets out a sigh, opening his eyes again.
SAM: 1t's d1ff1cult t0 v1sually d1splay 1t
SAM: 1t's
SAM: There was just a c0mplete lack
SAM: 0f anyth1ng, and 0nce there's n0th1ng y0u can well
SAM: See n0th1ng, m0re l1terally
CA: It's not, I know. Convey it as what it is. Absence. Is Not. Void.
CA: The thing the gods lounge in if you take away the balancing Mist and excess essentia.
SAM: 1
SAM: 1s th1s really l1nked t0 the th1ng that caused all th1s 0r just cur10s1ty f0r the end result?
SAM: Sh0uld 1 expla1n 1t 1n m0re deta1l 0r s0meth1ng
CA: It's both.
CA: Please do.
SAM: Well
SAM: 1 uh
SAM: Damn th1s 1s g0nna be awkward
SAM: 1 may 0r may n0t have been research1ng 1nt0 the effects 0f c0rrupt10n balanc1ng
SAM: P0ssbly
SAM: Maybe
SAM: Perhaps
CA: As someone who has looked at those godawful beasts on both sides and come away with their soul relatively unscathed...that's probably not the easiest way to deal with it.
SAM: Well that was pr0bably the f1rst clue
SAM: 1 tend t0 be m0re l0g1cal than that, even 1f 1'm be1ng s1lly
SAM: But 1t's just
SAM: 1 d1dn't have any reas0n t0 research 1t
CA: The only reason you should be actively balancing instead of just having it hugged out (with liquid hugs if nobody's available) is if you're on angelside and someone's paid to get your soul patched up.
SAM: 1 just
CA: ....Okay, then let's go backwards further.
SAM: Started 0ff as a want
SAM: But
CA: Are you missing any particular spots BEFORE it started?
SAM: Uh
SAM: 1 mean
SAM: 1 have a l0t 0f m1ss1ng d1rect but st0red mem0ry, wh1ch 1s c0mpl1cated but f0r actual m1ss1ng stuff
SAM: 1 guess when 1 was gett1ng my 1mplant w0rked 0n by myself and a helper
SAM: A b1t after 1 f1rst g0t 1t
CA: Who was helping you again?
SAM: Space player, l1ttle b1t 0f a nutj0b
SAM: Had a fasc1nat10n w1th
SAM: 0h
SAM: Well
SAM: 1'm n0t sure h0w that wasn't an 0bv10us c0nclus10n
SAM: They had an 0bn0x10us fasc1nat10n w1th 1nvest1gat10n and exper1mentat10n unt1l she had a l0ng talk w1th 0ur Heart player
SAM: She had caused qu1te a few
SAM: M1shaps
SAM: T0 say the least 1n that clusterfuck 0f a sess10n
SAM: But she was the 0nly 0ne apart fr0m the guy wh0 had prev10usly 1nstalled 1t then, f0ll0w1ng that d1ed, had kn0wledge 0f anyth1ng r0b0t1cs related
SAM: 1 0nly knew c0d1ng at that t1me
SAM: Uh
SAM: Then there were a c0uple 0f M1nd players wh0 really d1dn't l1ke me f0r s0me reas0n...
SAM: 1n the st0red mem0ry stuff
SAM: They g0t really angry and 1 def1n1tely have been h1t w1th shenan1gans at s0me p01nt 0r an0ther by
SAM: Ah jeez there's a l0t t0 l1st
SAM: L0ts 0f sh1t
SAM: But that was the f1rst 0ne
CA: This session isn't ending any time soon and I think I'm farming arc off this, keep going if you want to.
SAM: 1 mean
SAM: B0th 0f the feel1ngsy l0g1c classes d0n't really l1ke me
SAM: Heart players say they d0n't l1ke me and s0 d0 M1nd, wh1ch seems t0 ann0y the latter m0re because 1t's an apparently 1rrat10nal ann0yance after they try t0 scry 1nternal stuff
SAM: Apparently 1'm we1rd
SAM: Never really g0t much m0re than that w1th0ut the player try1ng t0 stab me
SAM: Gave up after that attempt
CA: I managed to get into this with only a bit more effort than it should've taken, but then again I hardly ever talk to anyone here. Do you have any ideas what could've caused this hostility?
SAM: They l1terally just sa1d that 1'm wr0ng
SAM: N0t as 1n l1ke
SAM: R1ght 0r wr0ng 1n terms 0f 0p1n10n but as just
SAM: Be1ng
SAM: And apparently they d1dn't l1ke 1t
SAM: The guy wh0 asked d1d get a b1t tw1tchy bef0rehand th0ugh, s0 1t m1ght just be h1s pers0nal react10n...
SAM: But uh
SAM: 1 d0n't th1nk there's anyth1ng m0re 1 can th1nk 0f, 1 tr1ed t0 be p0l1te and all that s0c1al stuff
SAM: x3
CA: ...when precisely is the earliest point this aversion to your existence was mentioned/notable?
SAM: Uhm
SAM: 1t's g0tten w0rse at certa1n p01nts but pe0ple
SAM: S0rry, my mem0ry 0f s0 far back tends t0 be hazy, was bef0re 1 had mechan1cal mem0ry st0rage
SAM: Uh
SAM: 1 mean
SAM: P0ss1bly after me and my fr1end started gett1ng s0me fucked up dreams ages ag0
SAM: They're n0t uh
SAM: Ar0und anym0re s0 there's n0 sec0ndary s0urce but yea
SAM: 1'm fa1rly sure 1t was s0me dream m00n bug 0r an0ther
SAM: Then the p01nt where 1 g0t my 1mplants 1t became w0rse
SAM: And well
SAM: 1t feels w0rse s1nce the shenan1gans
SAM: S0 a hell 0f a l0ng t1me
CA: Tell me about those dreams, if you wish.
SAM: Fa1rly certa1n 1t was be1ng blasted w1th 1nf0rmat10n 0f s0me k1nd but n0 1dea what, way t00 l0ng ag0
SAM: 1 had dual dreamselves apparently t0 f1ll 1n as we had f1ve pe0ple wh1ch meant 1t c0uld be anyth1ng
SAM: 1 d0 remember b0th 0f them dy1ng s0met1me bef0re 1 actually d1d much w1th them th0ugh
SAM: Ugh, s0rry
SAM: 1t's just
SAM: Been a hell 0f a l0ng t1me
SAM: Hard t0
SAM: 1'm just repeat1ng myself aga1n, aren't 1?
CA: Were these dreams in bubbles?
CA: Dreamselves. Being dead.
SAM: Were after a p01nt 1 th1nk
SAM: 1 just
SAM: Ugh, 1f 1'd had my damn 1mplants then 1 w0uld kn0w th1s
SAM: 1 really d0n't kn0w much ab0ut them anym0re, mem0ry's g0tten t00 bad 0ver t1me 0f my past
CA: Think back with your conventional neurons. Were those damaged at some point and that's why you're relying so much on your implants?
SAM: Well 1f y0u mean half my b0dy bec0m1ng 1rrad1ated fr0m [At0m1c B0nsa1] then yea
SAM: There's a reas0n 1 had t0 get 1mplants after all
CA: Radiation poisoning?!
Cluont facepalms. Several of the ghosts maintaining the mindspace also take a moment to facepalm.
CA: Goddamnit Space.
SAM: 1 mean s0me 0f 1t was just chunky b1ts bl0wn 0ff
SAM: There was a b1g expl0s10n
SAM: Tends t0 happen
CA: I assume you got the genetic and larger-scale physical damage both fixed at a crystalanth?
SAM: Uhh
SAM: The latter 1 guess s0
SAM: 1 dunn0 b0ut any else, 1 was a l1ttle unc0nc10us at the t1me
SAM: We had a tr0ll teammate wh0 w0rked 1n b10mechan1cs and f1xed me up w1th my 0r1g1nal systems and the base 1 use n0w
SAM: 1t was uh
SAM: A patch j0b t0 say the least
SAM: 1 mean
SAM: 1t was des1gned f0r a tr0ll 1n the f1rst place w1th very qu1ck adjustments t0 av01d l0ts 0f death
SAM: And then pl0nked 0n
SAM: S0 yea
SAM: That sess10n
SAM: 1 c0uld wr1te an essay 0n that pr0bably
SAM: B00k 0r s0me sh1t l1ke that
CA: You should, it might help you remember.
SAM: 1 can remember that sess10n r1ght unt1l the end fa1rly clearly
SAM: Just the stuff bef0re that
SAM: L1terally been t00 l0ng
SAM: Ab0ut
CA: Wow.
SAM: Eh 1 dunn0
SAM: At least a d0zen sess10ns
SAM: 1'm st1ll hazy 0n the actual c0unt by n0w
SAM: Remember1ng the m1lkman became k1nd 0f 1rrelevant
CA: ...Normally people who get that fucked up do it by taking rain to the brain, not...radioactivity to the everything.
SAM: Pr0bably just l0ts 0f stuff al0ng the way
SAM: Sburb sucks
Samuel gives a drawn-out stretch of his arms, then flops down onto the metaphysical floor
SAM: But yea
SAM: 1 d0n't remember much 0f 1t, just that a l0t 0f sh1t went d0wn and 1 d1dn't really care much anym0re
SAM: Pr0l0nged Aggr1evance 0r s0meth1ng, just d1d what 1 needed t0 d0 t0 get pe0ple thr0ugh the game and n0t much else
Cluont flops over as well and hugs Sam, because why not.
CA: So, anything else you wanna express while you're here?
Samuel briefly tenses at the physical contact, before making his best effort to relax again.
SAM: 1 just
SAM: Well f0r th1s 1ssue 1'm just g01ng t0 have t0 p0ke at my 0wn c0d1ng, wh1ch w1ll be a j0b and a half t0 d0 1n my spare t1me, but apart fr0m that
SAM: 1 guess 1 just d0n't really
SAM: Feel much anym0re t0 be h0nest
CA: It's okay if you feel dead inside, we all do.
CA: It's your choice and I'll protect it if that's what you want for this session to do.
SAM: 1, yea
SAM: Guess 1 just haven't c0me t0 terms w1th stuff yet desp1te h0w l0ng 1've been ar0und here
SAM: Snrrk, 1t's funny
SAM: 1 d0n't really talk ab0ut 1t but S0und 1s such a we1rd aspect, 1t's the aspect 0f talk1ng and then 1s0lat10n
SAM: And fuck gett1ng used t0 0ne then try1ng the 0ther 1s pa1nful
SAM: 1 d0n't really kn0w h0w t0 d0 th1ngs anym0re
CA: It's okay to understand and choose. And in the end we're not the classpect to force you to come to terms with it, and in the end none of us really know what we're doing. That's okay.
CA: God, I haven't been this sappy since my native, hah.
SAM: Yea
SAM: 1 just
SAM: There's n0 real m1dp01nt between the tw0
SAM: 1
SAM: Yea
SAM: 1 d0n't really kn0w what t0 say ab0ut 1t
SAM: 1t's an awes0me aspect but at the same t1me 1t's really fuck1ng l0nely s0me 0f the t1mes
CA: You know that point when you're speaking and you're alone as the player that Lils was just going on about a long time ago?
SAM: :?
CA: Is that what it always feels like?
SAM: S0rt 0f
SAM: 1've
SAM: T0 be h0nest
CA: To be alone, but communicating anyway, alone in the crowd overwhelmed by the music of others?
SAM: 1've pr0bably spent m0re 0f my mem0rable l1fe 1n S0und psybuffs than 1n actual real1ty
SAM: Just t0
SAM: Clear my head and stuff
SAM: 1t d0esn't really w0rk
SAM: But 1t s0rt 0f helps
SAM: Bl1ssful qu1et
CA: Your choice, but...if you think that isn't the best way to face it, I'll protect you if you want to face the music like your native meant you to. You're the sound native, right?
SAM: Yea.
SAM: Sc0ut 0f S0und
SAM: Fuck Sc0ut that class can g0 jump 0ff a cl1ff but S0und 1s ch1ll
CA: From the very start, your lesson really was to stand up and face the music, heh. I got mine because I was such a complete failure even Sburb, king of bone bulges, was like 'okay I'll give you a happy moment to do as you deep down want to'.
CA: I know that feel when nothing seems to make sense anymore. Don't we all, all survivors?
SAM: Guess s0
SAM: 1t d0es appear t0 be the 1mpl1cat10n at least
SAM: T0ss1ng me freak1ng Waste 0f S0und 0f all th1ngs
SAM: Smash stuff w1th and smash S0und 1tself
SAM: Bl0w sh1t up w1th n01se and n0tn01se 0r w/e
CA: Well, you got the second part in the bag. How's the first been just going?
SAM: 1t's
SAM: 1t's alr1ght, 1 guess
SAM: B0th were a b1t 0verwhelm1ng f0r me but the latter g0t eas1er s1nce v01d central stat10n
SAM: St1ll haven't qu1te g0tten use t0 the everyth1ng b1t yet
SAM: 1nstead 0f n0th1ng
CA: Maybe you just need to find a balance, and get as much of yourself as you can through Sgrub hell.
SAM: 1
SAM: Yea pr0bably
SAM: S0rry f0r dragg1ng y0u thr0ugh all th1s x3
CA: It's okay, I'm so deadpan with everyone except ghosts and Agasti I was afraid if I slipped up I'd be greeting a native reroll, hah. I'm fine with listening, and it's not even for the arc at this point.
SAM: Snrrk, alr1ghty
SAM: 1 uh
SAM: Yea 1 guess 1 just w1ll have t0 try and balance 1t 0ut
SAM: 0r at least suppress whatever's wr0ng w1th my bra1n t0 f0cus 0n 1t l0ng en0ugh f0r Sburb t0 appr0ve :3
CA: Yeah, that'll be good.
SAM: ...th1s'll be a we1rd quest10n
SAM: And 1 swear t0 n0nex1stant de1ty numer0 X that 1'm n0t c0m1ng 0nt0 y0u 0r anyth1ng l1ke that
SAM: But what d0es l0ve feel l1ke?
SAM: 1 just
SAM: 1 d0n't get the wh0le th1ng
CA: It varies, honestly. If you mean love for a partner, then it's this sort of chemical joy where your body says 'oh, hey, I like you' coupled with this sort of best-friends-y relationship where the two work together to actually try and be happy with each other and give each other meaning and all...that.
CA: Love is kind of hard to just put all together, it's like making sound lopsided when you go all for communication instead of isolation except to give needed space, it's...ugh. Maybe love isn't a real thing, and that's why shipping's almost always broken. Because there's no love, why even fake it?
CA: Maybe it's just close relationships, and love is just a shorthand for something that doesn't exist.
SAM: Maybe
SAM: D0n't kn0w 1f 1 can even make mean1ngful c0nnect10ns anym0re
SAM: Gave 1t a g0 0nce and 0bv10usly Sburb d0esn't l1ke 1t s0 1t d0esn't g0 well
SAM: Always just a b1t 1n the backgr0und
SAM: Sh1tp0st1ng away but unl1ke the 0ther meme m0nsters 1'm n0t s0me huge cl0ud 0f an aspect 0r a tentacle beast
CA: You know, this seems to be the one session where shipping might not be all bust, and love's maybe real after all...
SAM: Snrrk, maybe
SAM: N0t g01ng t0 l1e 1 d0n't have much h0pe 1n my ab1l1ty t0 even feel anyth1ng resembl1ng str0ng em0t10n anym0re let al0ne whatever that 1nv0lves
SAM: 1 mean
SAM: Hell sex 1s n1ce but 1 d0n't get the rest 0f the wh0le th1ng
SAM: Be1ng blunt
SAM: x3
CA: Eh, life is life. So what if we're just leaves cast about by the wind and falling stars? Maybe we CAN be as flippant as those kids with their masks and lewdness.
SAM: Maybe
SAM: Well 1 can g1ve 1t a g0 at least, small steps 0r w/e
SAM: At least see 1f 1 can make my aspect c0ntent f0r 0nce
SAM: Thanks f0r l1sten1ng t0 me ramble 0n f0r a wh1le
CA: Mhm, no problem.
SAM: D0 y0u th1nk the 0ther tw0 have managed t0 destr0y the next fl00r 1n the t1me we've been g0ne?
CA: Nah, Terry's chill and Kevin's probably just licking him or something.
CA: So, uh...wanna step out of ourselves and back into the world of being alone together?
SAM: Uh
SAM: Sure
Cluont and company dissolve the mindspace, revealing that he's been hugging Sam in realspace this whole time. Kevin and Terry are talking sarcastically with each other over in the corner.
Cluont promptly unhugs Sam.
CA: It's dealt with.
SAM: Yee
Samuel gives a brief nod of agreement to go along with his simple noise
SAM: Uh
SAM: ...h1?
Samuel tilts his head in confusion.
KEVIN: Yo.
SAM: That's uh 01:12:41
NA: Behold.
SAM: Qu1te the cape
Terry sticks his tongue out for a moment and Kevin shrugs.
KEVIN: It happens.
Cluont simply rolls his eyes.
CA: So. The point. Let's get to it, shall we?
SAM: ...sure
SAM: S0 yea uh
SAM: 1 have n0 1dea what happened t0 be h0nest
SAM: 1 have vague mem0r1es but n0th1ng clear 0f what was g01ng 0n at the t1me wh1ch
SAM: 1sn't part1cularly g00d
NA: The taste of the void. I know of a jealous child, wrapped in the battles of other chessboards!
SAM: Y0u what?
SAM: 1 was never very g00d at th1s wh0le r1ddle stuff
SAM: 1 sucked as W1tch
NA: Beautiful loops made of nothingness. Don't you remember the form you once had before you were lateborn-forged?
Terry cackles. Rain has left marks on his mind.
CA: Um. What's the last thing you remember before it starts cutting out like when you were around 3 of those human years or so?
Sam seems to twitch in confusion, before spewing out something that doesn't especially sound like speech.
SAM: ♂ ╡╡#' y••
SAM: ...1 uh
He shakes his head in confusion
SAM: What d0 y0u mean?
NA: Share share share. There are the kingqueenroyalty serverserverservers of the unfathomable both an inch and countless miles beyond!
NA: It's easy to hear voided songs when you can remember things you never learned, tasting the rainbow slept fast in the baying houndspeak of squiddle-de-dee!
SAM: ...alr1ghty then
SAM: S0 uh, yea CA, y0u mean what d0 1 remember bef0re shenan1gans began and Kev1n came 0ver?
CA: I'm not sure what it could possibly refer to otherwise.
SAM: Just mak1ng sure
SAM: Well uh
SAM: 1t was k1nd 0f a gradual 0bsess10n w1th
SAM: Well n0t even an 0bsess10n, k1nd 0f a need t0 d0 s0meth1ng
SAM: T0 test and keep g01ng a b1t deeper w1th test1ng th1ngs
SAM: And then 1t k1nd 0f just went hazy and then 1 was suddenly h0ld1ng a we1rd-ass sw0rd and uh
SAM: Shenan1gans
CA: ...
CA: I think rainbrain icicle over there has a point. Do you want to try expressing the inexpressible, as Sound is prone to doing?
SAM: Uhh
SAM: 1've had a l1ttle d1ff1culty w1th that s1nce shenan1gan central, s0 parts 0f 1t may be f0r lack 0f a better w0rd m1ss1ng 0r 0ff, but 1 can g1ve 1t a sh0t
Kevin cackles.
Samuel twitches again for a few moments, trying to find the right tune, before a vague static noise plays. The scene of hazy rememberance, slowly being dragged into a simple /command/ to do something of the previous sequence of events played. His thoughts stay mostly blank the way through, only shifting through risk assessments.
It sounds like www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtQ_iyweF38 .
NA: Come, destruction given by the loud...Oh, this. Hmmm!
KEVIN: ...This reminds me of something, but I don't remember what.
KEVIN: It was so happy, tasting like dreams....
SAM: Yea uh
KEVIN: If you just delve, it's so...
SAM: Just d0n't read t00 much 1nt0 the s0ngs, they uh
SAM: M0re recently th1nk1ng t00 hard ab0ut them tends t0 be c0gn1t0hazard0us
Kevin has left [Whisper To Me] on.
SAM: Wh1ch 1s s0mewhat awkward
KEVIN: I THINK IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT
SAM: Uhhh
Kevin goes full flux-eyes.
SAM: 000h dear
KEVIN: I CAN SEE INTO FOREVER
SAM: That'd be the v01d
SAM: 1t's a b1t b1g yea
SAM: 1 UH
KEVIN: OH REALLY NICE
SAM: Yea just uhm
SAM: St0p l00k1ng 1nt0 1t p0ss1bly?
KEVIN: HEY IT'S JUST LIKE THAT ONE PLACE FRED WAS TALKING ABOUT
SAM: Kev1n plz
Terry flicks Kevin on the nose.
NA: Peep!
KEVIN: okay
Kevin stops doing the flux-eyes thing.
KEVIN: Okay let's not look at that too hard
KEVIN: nope
KEVIN: ...Honestly, that's so...happy. Are you corruption-clear and keeping candy away from the alchemiter?
SAM: There's a reas0n that pe0ple d0n't l1ke talk1ng t0 me much
SAM: And 1 th1nk s0
SAM: The m0re sess10ns y0u get the m0re uh
SAM: Messed up y0u get, y'kn0w?
SAM: Carry al0ng a b1t m0re baggage
KEVIN: ...I don't think giving Old Isn't your baggage is exactly a good idea.
SAM: Well yea
SAM: Pr0bably n0t
SAM: But 1t's k1nd 0f hard t0 f0rget see1ng n0th1ng
SAM: There are s0 many n0t-c0l0urs
KEVIN: It's so beautifully not though, like...those!
KEVIN: I remember how the gods sometimes blow bubbles that smell a bit like those when voids dance by and they're like 'aww, how cute I want one', it's...
Kevin goes off on a long rant entirely in broodfester until NA hugs him into shutting up.
NA: Shush.
NA: Chilling. Do it.
SAM: Ch1ll 1s the best way t0 be
SAM: Except 1f y0u're Fl0w but then y0u're Fl0w-ch1ll wh1ch 1s a wh0le 'n0ther st0ry
PG: Flow-chill is the best.
SAM: S0 uh
SAM: Yea that's what 1 g0t 0f the haze CA
SAM: S0rry ab0ut the s0ng aga1n PG, try1ng t0 mash up n0th1ng w1th s0meth1ng makes we1rd s0unds
SAM: S0 yea was w0nder1ng 1f y0u c0uld p0ss1bly uh
SAM: Take a glance 0r s0meth1ng
SAM: 1 d0n't kn0w h0w M1nd w0rks 1n part1cular
CA: Allow me to penetrate the veil. I'm not actually a mind-reader, but I'll do the best I can with choicealytics.
CA: Honestly I'm kinda happy you messed with that thing, the Null trimmed off a TON of undesirable cascades for me.
SAM: Ah, uh
SAM: 1 d0n't get exactly what that means but 0k
The nebulous swarm of ghosts around Cluont begins hovering around Sam instead.
CA: Don't resist.
SAM: Uuh
SAM: 0k
SAM: Th1s uh
SAM: Sure
With the collective psionic effort of ghosts and the powers of Mind, CA pretty much attempts to brute-force connect, dragging the two of them into a haphazard mindspace bordered by mindstuff rather than rainstuff.
CA: Don't step out of the space or try to break the hallucination, I need you to focus.
SAM: Th1s feels st ange
CA: Now. Try and-
Cluont glares at something that doesn't exist.
CA: Stop that, you.
CA: Sorry, what was that?
SAM: Huh?
SAM: 0h uh
SAM: Just feels 0dd
SAM: S0 uh
SAM: F0cus 0n what?
CA: Focus on the moment where it stops being realspace and starts being voidspace. The first moment you saw whatever Kevin was ranting about finally making sense.
SAM: 1 uh
SAM: 1'll g1ve 1t a sh0t
Samuel shuts his eyes, taking a few breaths to steady his breathing pattern. The space slowly begins to shimmer, occasionally small blinks of colour or something that's hard to look at appearing as he tries to get the midpoint.
CA: Oh god this is weird.
The colours continue shifting, but it appears that the areas of being and not-being don't like overlapping. Samuel lets out a sigh, opening his eyes again.
SAM: 1t's d1ff1cult t0 v1sually d1splay 1t
SAM: 1t's
SAM: There was just a c0mplete lack
SAM: 0f anyth1ng, and 0nce there's n0th1ng y0u can well
SAM: See n0th1ng, m0re l1terally
CA: It's not, I know. Convey it as what it is. Absence. Is Not. Void.
CA: The thing the gods lounge in if you take away the balancing Mist and excess essentia.
SAM: 1
SAM: 1s th1s really l1nked t0 the th1ng that caused all th1s 0r just cur10s1ty f0r the end result?
SAM: Sh0uld 1 expla1n 1t 1n m0re deta1l 0r s0meth1ng
CA: It's both.
CA: Please do.
SAM: Well
SAM: 1 uh
SAM: Damn th1s 1s g0nna be awkward
SAM: 1 may 0r may n0t have been research1ng 1nt0 the effects 0f c0rrupt10n balanc1ng
SAM: P0ssbly
SAM: Maybe
SAM: Perhaps
CA: As someone who has looked at those godawful beasts on both sides and come away with their soul relatively unscathed...that's probably not the easiest way to deal with it.
SAM: Well that was pr0bably the f1rst clue
SAM: 1 tend t0 be m0re l0g1cal than that, even 1f 1'm be1ng s1lly
SAM: But 1t's just
SAM: 1 d1dn't have any reas0n t0 research 1t
CA: The only reason you should be actively balancing instead of just having it hugged out (with liquid hugs if nobody's available) is if you're on angelside and someone's paid to get your soul patched up.
SAM: 1 just
CA: ....Okay, then let's go backwards further.
SAM: Started 0ff as a want
SAM: But
CA: Are you missing any particular spots BEFORE it started?
SAM: Uh
SAM: 1 mean
SAM: 1 have a l0t 0f m1ss1ng d1rect but st0red mem0ry, wh1ch 1s c0mpl1cated but f0r actual m1ss1ng stuff
SAM: 1 guess when 1 was gett1ng my 1mplant w0rked 0n by myself and a helper
SAM: A b1t after 1 f1rst g0t 1t
CA: Who was helping you again?
SAM: Space player, l1ttle b1t 0f a nutj0b
SAM: Had a fasc1nat10n w1th
SAM: 0h
SAM: Well
SAM: 1'm n0t sure h0w that wasn't an 0bv10us c0nclus10n
SAM: They had an 0bn0x10us fasc1nat10n w1th 1nvest1gat10n and exper1mentat10n unt1l she had a l0ng talk w1th 0ur Heart player
SAM: She had caused qu1te a few
SAM: M1shaps
SAM: T0 say the least 1n that clusterfuck 0f a sess10n
SAM: But she was the 0nly 0ne apart fr0m the guy wh0 had prev10usly 1nstalled 1t then, f0ll0w1ng that d1ed, had kn0wledge 0f anyth1ng r0b0t1cs related
SAM: 1 0nly knew c0d1ng at that t1me
SAM: Uh
SAM: Then there were a c0uple 0f M1nd players wh0 really d1dn't l1ke me f0r s0me reas0n...
SAM: 1n the st0red mem0ry stuff
SAM: They g0t really angry and 1 def1n1tely have been h1t w1th shenan1gans at s0me p01nt 0r an0ther by
SAM: Ah jeez there's a l0t t0 l1st
SAM: L0ts 0f sh1t
SAM: But that was the f1rst 0ne
CA: This session isn't ending any time soon and I think I'm farming arc off this, keep going if you want to.
SAM: 1 mean
SAM: B0th 0f the feel1ngsy l0g1c classes d0n't really l1ke me
SAM: Heart players say they d0n't l1ke me and s0 d0 M1nd, wh1ch seems t0 ann0y the latter m0re because 1t's an apparently 1rrat10nal ann0yance after they try t0 scry 1nternal stuff
SAM: Apparently 1'm we1rd
SAM: Never really g0t much m0re than that w1th0ut the player try1ng t0 stab me
SAM: Gave up after that attempt
CA: I managed to get into this with only a bit more effort than it should've taken, but then again I hardly ever talk to anyone here. Do you have any ideas what could've caused this hostility?
SAM: They l1terally just sa1d that 1'm wr0ng
SAM: N0t as 1n l1ke
SAM: R1ght 0r wr0ng 1n terms 0f 0p1n10n but as just
SAM: Be1ng
SAM: And apparently they d1dn't l1ke 1t
SAM: The guy wh0 asked d1d get a b1t tw1tchy bef0rehand th0ugh, s0 1t m1ght just be h1s pers0nal react10n...
SAM: But uh
SAM: 1 d0n't th1nk there's anyth1ng m0re 1 can th1nk 0f, 1 tr1ed t0 be p0l1te and all that s0c1al stuff
SAM: x3
CA: ...when precisely is the earliest point this aversion to your existence was mentioned/notable?
SAM: Uhm
SAM: 1t's g0tten w0rse at certa1n p01nts but pe0ple
SAM: S0rry, my mem0ry 0f s0 far back tends t0 be hazy, was bef0re 1 had mechan1cal mem0ry st0rage
SAM: Uh
SAM: 1 mean
SAM: P0ss1bly after me and my fr1end started gett1ng s0me fucked up dreams ages ag0
SAM: They're n0t uh
SAM: Ar0und anym0re s0 there's n0 sec0ndary s0urce but yea
SAM: 1'm fa1rly sure 1t was s0me dream m00n bug 0r an0ther
SAM: Then the p01nt where 1 g0t my 1mplants 1t became w0rse
SAM: And well
SAM: 1t feels w0rse s1nce the shenan1gans
SAM: S0 a hell 0f a l0ng t1me
CA: Tell me about those dreams, if you wish.
SAM: Fa1rly certa1n 1t was be1ng blasted w1th 1nf0rmat10n 0f s0me k1nd but n0 1dea what, way t00 l0ng ag0
SAM: 1 had dual dreamselves apparently t0 f1ll 1n as we had f1ve pe0ple wh1ch meant 1t c0uld be anyth1ng
SAM: 1 d0 remember b0th 0f them dy1ng s0met1me bef0re 1 actually d1d much w1th them th0ugh
SAM: Ugh, s0rry
SAM: 1t's just
SAM: Been a hell 0f a l0ng t1me
SAM: Hard t0
SAM: 1'm just repeat1ng myself aga1n, aren't 1?
CA: Were these dreams in bubbles?
CA: Dreamselves. Being dead.
SAM: Were after a p01nt 1 th1nk
SAM: 1 just
SAM: Ugh, 1f 1'd had my damn 1mplants then 1 w0uld kn0w th1s
SAM: 1 really d0n't kn0w much ab0ut them anym0re, mem0ry's g0tten t00 bad 0ver t1me 0f my past
CA: Think back with your conventional neurons. Were those damaged at some point and that's why you're relying so much on your implants?
SAM: Well 1f y0u mean half my b0dy bec0m1ng 1rrad1ated fr0m [At0m1c B0nsa1] then yea
SAM: There's a reas0n 1 had t0 get 1mplants after all
CA: Radiation poisoning?!
Cluont facepalms. Several of the ghosts maintaining the mindspace also take a moment to facepalm.
CA: Goddamnit Space.
SAM: 1 mean s0me 0f 1t was just chunky b1ts bl0wn 0ff
SAM: There was a b1g expl0s10n
SAM: Tends t0 happen
CA: I assume you got the genetic and larger-scale physical damage both fixed at a crystalanth?
SAM: Uhh
SAM: The latter 1 guess s0
SAM: 1 dunn0 b0ut any else, 1 was a l1ttle unc0nc10us at the t1me
SAM: We had a tr0ll teammate wh0 w0rked 1n b10mechan1cs and f1xed me up w1th my 0r1g1nal systems and the base 1 use n0w
SAM: 1t was uh
SAM: A patch j0b t0 say the least
SAM: 1 mean
SAM: 1t was des1gned f0r a tr0ll 1n the f1rst place w1th very qu1ck adjustments t0 av01d l0ts 0f death
SAM: And then pl0nked 0n
SAM: S0 yea
SAM: That sess10n
SAM: 1 c0uld wr1te an essay 0n that pr0bably
SAM: B00k 0r s0me sh1t l1ke that
CA: You should, it might help you remember.
SAM: 1 can remember that sess10n r1ght unt1l the end fa1rly clearly
SAM: Just the stuff bef0re that
SAM: L1terally been t00 l0ng
SAM: Ab0ut
CA: Wow.
SAM: Eh 1 dunn0
SAM: At least a d0zen sess10ns
SAM: 1'm st1ll hazy 0n the actual c0unt by n0w
SAM: Remember1ng the m1lkman became k1nd 0f 1rrelevant
CA: ...Normally people who get that fucked up do it by taking rain to the brain, not...radioactivity to the everything.
SAM: Pr0bably just l0ts 0f stuff al0ng the way
SAM: Sburb sucks
Samuel gives a drawn-out stretch of his arms, then flops down onto the metaphysical floor
SAM: But yea
SAM: 1 d0n't remember much 0f 1t, just that a l0t 0f sh1t went d0wn and 1 d1dn't really care much anym0re
SAM: Pr0l0nged Aggr1evance 0r s0meth1ng, just d1d what 1 needed t0 d0 t0 get pe0ple thr0ugh the game and n0t much else
Cluont flops over as well and hugs Sam, because why not.
CA: So, anything else you wanna express while you're here?
Samuel briefly tenses at the physical contact, before making his best effort to relax again.
SAM: 1 just
SAM: Well f0r th1s 1ssue 1'm just g01ng t0 have t0 p0ke at my 0wn c0d1ng, wh1ch w1ll be a j0b and a half t0 d0 1n my spare t1me, but apart fr0m that
SAM: 1 guess 1 just d0n't really
SAM: Feel much anym0re t0 be h0nest
CA: It's okay if you feel dead inside, we all do.
CA: It's your choice and I'll protect it if that's what you want for this session to do.
SAM: 1, yea
SAM: Guess 1 just haven't c0me t0 terms w1th stuff yet desp1te h0w l0ng 1've been ar0und here
SAM: Snrrk, 1t's funny
SAM: 1 d0n't really talk ab0ut 1t but S0und 1s such a we1rd aspect, 1t's the aspect 0f talk1ng and then 1s0lat10n
SAM: And fuck gett1ng used t0 0ne then try1ng the 0ther 1s pa1nful
SAM: 1 d0n't really kn0w h0w t0 d0 th1ngs anym0re
CA: It's okay to understand and choose. And in the end we're not the classpect to force you to come to terms with it, and in the end none of us really know what we're doing. That's okay.
CA: God, I haven't been this sappy since my native, hah.
SAM: Yea
SAM: 1 just
SAM: There's n0 real m1dp01nt between the tw0
SAM: 1
SAM: Yea
SAM: 1 d0n't really kn0w what t0 say ab0ut 1t
SAM: 1t's an awes0me aspect but at the same t1me 1t's really fuck1ng l0nely s0me 0f the t1mes
CA: You know that point when you're speaking and you're alone as the player that Lils was just going on about a long time ago?
SAM: :?
CA: Is that what it always feels like?
SAM: S0rt 0f
SAM: 1've
SAM: T0 be h0nest
CA: To be alone, but communicating anyway, alone in the crowd overwhelmed by the music of others?
SAM: 1've pr0bably spent m0re 0f my mem0rable l1fe 1n S0und psybuffs than 1n actual real1ty
SAM: Just t0
SAM: Clear my head and stuff
SAM: 1t d0esn't really w0rk
SAM: But 1t s0rt 0f helps
SAM: Bl1ssful qu1et
CA: Your choice, but...if you think that isn't the best way to face it, I'll protect you if you want to face the music like your native meant you to. You're the sound native, right?
SAM: Yea.
SAM: Sc0ut 0f S0und
SAM: Fuck Sc0ut that class can g0 jump 0ff a cl1ff but S0und 1s ch1ll
CA: From the very start, your lesson really was to stand up and face the music, heh. I got mine because I was such a complete failure even Sburb, king of bone bulges, was like 'okay I'll give you a happy moment to do as you deep down want to'.
CA: I know that feel when nothing seems to make sense anymore. Don't we all, all survivors?
SAM: Guess s0
SAM: 1t d0es appear t0 be the 1mpl1cat10n at least
SAM: T0ss1ng me freak1ng Waste 0f S0und 0f all th1ngs
SAM: Smash stuff w1th and smash S0und 1tself
SAM: Bl0w sh1t up w1th n01se and n0tn01se 0r w/e
CA: Well, you got the second part in the bag. How's the first been just going?
SAM: 1t's
SAM: 1t's alr1ght, 1 guess
SAM: B0th were a b1t 0verwhelm1ng f0r me but the latter g0t eas1er s1nce v01d central stat10n
SAM: St1ll haven't qu1te g0tten use t0 the everyth1ng b1t yet
SAM: 1nstead 0f n0th1ng
CA: Maybe you just need to find a balance, and get as much of yourself as you can through Sgrub hell.
SAM: 1
SAM: Yea pr0bably
SAM: S0rry f0r dragg1ng y0u thr0ugh all th1s x3
CA: It's okay, I'm so deadpan with everyone except ghosts and Agasti I was afraid if I slipped up I'd be greeting a native reroll, hah. I'm fine with listening, and it's not even for the arc at this point.
SAM: Snrrk, alr1ghty
SAM: 1 uh
SAM: Yea 1 guess 1 just w1ll have t0 try and balance 1t 0ut
SAM: 0r at least suppress whatever's wr0ng w1th my bra1n t0 f0cus 0n 1t l0ng en0ugh f0r Sburb t0 appr0ve :3
CA: Yeah, that'll be good.
SAM: ...th1s'll be a we1rd quest10n
SAM: And 1 swear t0 n0nex1stant de1ty numer0 X that 1'm n0t c0m1ng 0nt0 y0u 0r anyth1ng l1ke that
SAM: But what d0es l0ve feel l1ke?
SAM: 1 just
SAM: 1 d0n't get the wh0le th1ng
CA: It varies, honestly. If you mean love for a partner, then it's this sort of chemical joy where your body says 'oh, hey, I like you' coupled with this sort of best-friends-y relationship where the two work together to actually try and be happy with each other and give each other meaning and all...that.
CA: Love is kind of hard to just put all together, it's like making sound lopsided when you go all for communication instead of isolation except to give needed space, it's...ugh. Maybe love isn't a real thing, and that's why shipping's almost always broken. Because there's no love, why even fake it?
CA: Maybe it's just close relationships, and love is just a shorthand for something that doesn't exist.
SAM: Maybe
SAM: D0n't kn0w 1f 1 can even make mean1ngful c0nnect10ns anym0re
SAM: Gave 1t a g0 0nce and 0bv10usly Sburb d0esn't l1ke 1t s0 1t d0esn't g0 well
SAM: Always just a b1t 1n the backgr0und
SAM: Sh1tp0st1ng away but unl1ke the 0ther meme m0nsters 1'm n0t s0me huge cl0ud 0f an aspect 0r a tentacle beast
CA: You know, this seems to be the one session where shipping might not be all bust, and love's maybe real after all...
SAM: Snrrk, maybe
SAM: N0t g01ng t0 l1e 1 d0n't have much h0pe 1n my ab1l1ty t0 even feel anyth1ng resembl1ng str0ng em0t10n anym0re let al0ne whatever that 1nv0lves
SAM: 1 mean
SAM: Hell sex 1s n1ce but 1 d0n't get the rest 0f the wh0le th1ng
SAM: Be1ng blunt
SAM: x3
CA: Eh, life is life. So what if we're just leaves cast about by the wind and falling stars? Maybe we CAN be as flippant as those kids with their masks and lewdness.
SAM: Maybe
SAM: Well 1 can g1ve 1t a g0 at least, small steps 0r w/e
SAM: At least see 1f 1 can make my aspect c0ntent f0r 0nce
SAM: Thanks f0r l1sten1ng t0 me ramble 0n f0r a wh1le
CA: Mhm, no problem.
SAM: D0 y0u th1nk the 0ther tw0 have managed t0 destr0y the next fl00r 1n the t1me we've been g0ne?
CA: Nah, Terry's chill and Kevin's probably just licking him or something.
CA: So, uh...wanna step out of ourselves and back into the world of being alone together?
SAM: Uh
SAM: Sure
Cluont and company dissolve the mindspace, revealing that he's been hugging Sam in realspace this whole time. Kevin and Terry are talking sarcastically with each other over in the corner.
Cluont promptly unhugs Sam.
CA: It's dealt with.
SAM: Yee
Samuel gives a brief nod of agreement to go along with his simple noise